| Relationships are work.... hard work! Far easier to live | | | | something from childhood, so do the work on yourself, |
| on a desert island; men don't have to share how they | | | | heal the past; work on your inner child and watch the |
| are 'feeling'... women don't have to nag because their | | | | adult in you grow up. |
| intimacy needs are not met. We work hard getting | | | | John Gottman, a world leading analyst of relationships |
| degrees, yet we rarely put the same energy into | | | | says there are certain signs that relationships are in |
| making relationships better. At school there's a | | | | trouble and need work. |
| sequence to events, each year gets more difficult yet | | | | 1. The way it starts! A discussion triggers the partner's |
| we're prepared for it by a teacher who explains | | | | response which is negative, accusatory or sarcastic. |
| what's expected of us. In relationships unfortunately | | | | Solution: If it goes this way within 3 minutes of starting, |
| we don't have a sequence. We think "falling in love" is | | | | pull the plug, take a breather and start over. |
| going to be forever... we have no clue what to do | | | | 2. The 4 Horseman of the Apocalyse. These four |
| when it goes wrong or why it went wrong in the first | | | | killers of relationships are: Criticism, Contempt, |
| place. There are few role model relationships to | | | | Defensiveness, Stonewalling (leaving, withdrawing, silent |
| emulate. | | | | treatment). |
| Men asking for directions can be a sore point for | | | | Solution: Agree if one of you is using these, the other |
| women however it can be an emotional loaded | | | | will remind them. |
| situation for men. Playgrounds are not always | | | | 3. Flooding. Whatever is being said is so overwhelming |
| comfortable places for boys. They learn early how | | | | that you are left in shock leading to feelings of |
| painful it is to be made fun of when they don't know | | | | defencelessness. If this happens constantly, time is |
| something. Asking questions reveals ignorance. Boys | | | | spent thinking about how to protect yourself from the |
| learn the male world is made up of winners and losers. | | | | onslaught, the only safe way is to disengage |
| For sensitive boys it's not safe to express sympathy | | | | emotionally from the relationship. Solution: Agreeing you |
| for someone being picked on because the same thing | | | | will speak only from the "I" and there will be no verbal |
| might happen to him and he might get excluded or | | | | attacking. If it happens (from habit), the person being |
| outcast too. Boys are conditioned early to be strong, | | | | flooded needs to walk away immediately. |
| tough, win, keep their feelings to themselves and | | | | 4. Body Language. Any kind of body language from |
| women wonder why they have trouble | | | | heart rate increasing, sweaty palms, to rage are |
| communicating! Delving into the emotional world of | | | | powerful signs of processing whatever information is |
| feelings is not as safe for men as women. | | | | being yelled at you thus it is harder to pay attention |
| We need new ways to communicate. We must learn | | | | and you are left with little coping mechanisms. In |
| to speak the truth, to ourselves and then to our | | | | childhood, yelling/screaming and hostility leaves one |
| partners. We need to express our hurts, not from a | | | | emotionally vulnerable and as adults leaves a low |
| place of "You did this and I feel".... But from a place of "I | | | | response factor to stress. Solution: Agree what will |
| feel sad when I feel unheard." This takes the 'make | | | | work for both of you when this happens. |
| wrong' off the partner and they can hear it from a | | | | Relationships are not the easiest things to do well but |
| different perspective. When people don't speak the | | | | the easiest to do badly. However there are ways and |
| truth and hold it forever, finally it explodes into a spitting | | | | means of changing our responses so we are no |
| volcano of venom that hurts everyone and is | | | | longer stuck in our movie, but watching it instead, giving |
| non-productive. Telling the truth in childhood resulted in | | | | us the valuable tool of objectivity... |
| punishment so we hold the same thought in | | | | 1. Do the work on your inner child and heal the past |
| relationships. "If I say what I really feel, you might leave | | | | (even if you think there's nothing to heal!). |
| me/hate me/shut me out". | | | | 2. Do sessions in LifeLine (The Power of Infinite Love |
| In arguments we are often a 5 year old child encased | | | | and Gratitude), rebirthing/counseling/body work/ |
| in a 20,30,40 year old body ranting, raving, throwing | | | | meditation or EFT work. |
| tantrums. Our partner is often doing the same or | | | | Changing your responses is not easy but the more |
| withdrawing/going silent. No more two adults in upset, | | | | you practice, the better you will get and in the end it is |
| but two kids whose needs as children were not met, | | | | not about the arguments you have, it's about friendship |
| who learned a set of behaviours that they are still | | | | and desire for harmony that will carry you through the |
| using as adults and it is not working! What is really | | | | tough times. The more you heal the child in you, the |
| underneath our feelings? Is it something from the | | | | more the adult can come forth and the more the |
| present or more likely is it something from the past | | | | world around you will change. To have peace on the |
| that our beloved has triggered; it feels like/looks like | | | | planet we must find a way to achieve peace in our |
| sounds like them? Most "stuff" is a recurrence of | | | | hearts. |