| Why won't he listen to me? I can talk 'till I'm blue in the | | | | is most likely really a lose-lose because it will come |
| face and he never seems to get it? Sound familiar? | | | | back to haunt you. |
| I've been on both sides of this conversation. What I find | | | | Okay, some people need help in diverting their attention |
| most often is that people don't listen when they are | | | | - kids and adults sometimes need to be touched (say |
| flooded - overwhelmed, angry, or even turned on. | | | | on the shoulder) they will stop what they are doing and |
| When someone is in that flooded place they do not | | | | look at you - here is your chance! If you just talk to |
| think clearly and they do not listen carefully - they feel | | | | them while they are playing a video game or reading a |
| threatened and they instinctively prepare for fight of | | | | book you very likely do not have their attention. This |
| flight. In my previous article on the rules of engagement | | | | goes for talking on the phone to someone. If you want |
| for timeouts I talk about when your heart rate gets | | | | to talk to someone on the phone and really know they |
| above 100 beats per minute your pre-frontal cortex | | | | are listening to you consider the following: where are |
| starts to shut down. It is this part of the brain that is | | | | they when you called - are they at work focused on |
| responsible for rational thought. When it drops out from | | | | other issues?, are they driving?, are they rushing to do |
| being flooded, AD/HD, drugs or alcohol we all will say | | | | something else?, are they in the middle of doing |
| and do things we wish we hadn't. Come on... I know it | | | | anything else? If they are this may not be the time to |
| is not just me! Okay so avoiding this place of flooded | | | | talk to them. My wife used to call me at work and she |
| is key to successful conversations. You need to stay | | | | was a master at detecting that I was focused on |
| out of the flood zone. On way to do this is to gently | | | | something else. I thought I had just split my attention but |
| bring issues up - instead of blasting out decrees. Guys | | | | I really wasn't listening to her carefully. I would turn off |
| generally do not see a conversation as a problem | | | | my computer monitor or turn away from the papers |
| solving opportunity - more often we see it as a time | | | | on my desk. It was kind of like resetting the computer - |
| for you to second guess us. If either person is | | | | now I was focused on what she said. I wasn't trying to |
| overwhelmed consider a time out so that you can | | | | ignore her but I was definitely focused on something |
| come back calm and ready to talk and listen. | | | | else. This awareness that it is not a good time is vital. |
| Consider the following: woman comes in and says, | | | | Sometimes you can get the other person to tune-in to |
| "we're going to Disneyland for our vacation!" the guy | | | | you but often you will need to make sure they are |
| replies I was planning to take everyone to Fish Lake, | | | | really listening or try at a time when they can focus. |
| Utah this year. From there imagine a battle roaring off | | | | Let's recap the main ideas here. People don't listen well |
| from there. Now if the conversation started, "what | | | | when they are distracted or overwhelmed/ flooded. |
| ideas do you have for our vacation?" We are off to a | | | | Announcing a conversation (as opposed to a |
| better start already - because we are asking for | | | | confrontation) and using softer language that clearly is |
| information we have declared the desire to discuss not | | | | looking for ideas goes a long way to keeping people |
| impose our agenda. Staying calm, asking questions, | | | | from getting overwhelmed. Some people need to be |
| proposing our own ideas tentatively for discussion not | | | | physically touched to break their attention from what |
| written in stone goes a long way in general. You want | | | | they are doing so that they can really hear you. Over |
| to soften your conversation startup and both | | | | the phone make sure that the person is really listening |
| announce and reiterate that this is a discussion with the | | | | and be sensitive to the fact that they may be totally |
| goal of finding a mutually beneficial outcome. Always | | | | absorbed in what they are doing and really can't listen |
| think win-win. If a discussion appears to be a win-lose it | | | | adequately now. |